30 Types Of Pussy
1. Razor bump pussy. She’s still experimenting with the best Gillette model. The new razor with five blades caused a surprising amount of irritation.
2. Honda Civic pussy. The most common type of pussy. Reliable and basic with clean lines.
3. INTJ pussy. The clitoris is out just enough to make a pleasant introduction, but she’s not exactly dancing on the bar.
4. Cunnilingus pussy. Another common pussy type with strong clitoris action. Easy to go down on if you do that sort of thing (I don’t).
5. Vintage porn pussy. Humans have long since evolved, so you won’t find a young girl with this pussy anymore.
6. Lazy pussy. She’s putting in zero effort with her appearance yet still expects guys to approach her all night. You suspect she alternates between only two “going out” outfits.
7. Spinster pussy. This scraggly and worn pussy gave up and is ready for the body attached to it to die.
8. Dog ear in the wind pussy. The clitoris flaps around like it has a mind of its own, but trying to understand its movements will only confuse you.
9. Rain drop pussy. One more drop of pussy flesh and the surface tension will no longer be able to hold the entire apparatus to her body. I like the clitoris here more than the dog ear in the wind pussy because it’s easier to diddle.
10. Pedophile pussy. Perverted men put it all on the line to score this virginal pussy. It’s as pristine as a mountain spring—can you blame them?
11. Predator pussy. If you stare at this pussy for 40 seconds, an image of the Predator alien will pop out at you.
12. Big pussy. Easy entry/exit, but she won’t feel anything if you’re not well-equipped. She’ll be polite, though, and let out a few token moans at your ineffective thrusts.
13. Experienced pussy. This pussy tries to fake but those bumps don’t lie. They act like tree rings and are easily measurable by trained scientists.
14. Social anxiety pussy. Awkward body language and tonality. You need a lot of foreplay with this one.
15. Domestic violence pussy. The pussy got out of line so the man had to slap it around, leading to a swollen, tender appearance. (That reminds me—what do you say to a girl with a black eye? Answer: Bitch I already told you once!)
16. Diarrhea pussy. This pussy ate a bad meal from Taco Bell and is now shooting semi-digested pellets into the toilet bowl.
17. Toyota Camry pussy. Roomier version of the Honda Civic pussy and more reliable with lower maintenance costs. Bring along a couple of your friends. (Editor’s Note: This is my favorite pussy type. I don’t have time to figure out how pussy works—I just want to hop in and get to my destination as quickly as possible.)
18. Last minute pussy. God didn’t decide on the gender of this pussy until the last minute, hence the huge meaty bit that makes penetration extra challenging.
19. Chubby pussy. You look at this pussy and are not sure whether to recommend the cookie diet or P90X.
20. Shy pussy. More outgoing than social anxiety pussy, but her constant silence makes you wonder, “Does she like me? Is she playing games?”
21. Developmentally stunted pussy. If they caught the problem early then an endocrinologist could have prescribed a hormone treatment, but unfortunately it’s too late now and what you got is a pussy that is small and under-powered.
22. Used to be fat pussy. This pussy has lost so much weight that the remaining skin is flabby and loose like an overripe pear.
23. McMansion pussy. You love this pussy in the beginning, bragging to your friends about all the extra storage space it contains, but then once you see your electric bill you wish you bought something more economical.
24. Eagle pussy. Wings in the back offer more stability during flight. Graceful, earnest.
25. Interstate highway pussy. When they built this pussy it was like a dream to drive on the freshly paved asphalt, but overdevelopment of the surrounding areas has led to intolerable sprawl.
26. Anteater pussy. How your grandma’s pussy looks like. Loosening muscle and skin has forced the first couple inches of the vaginal canal to prolapse outside of the body. Grandpa ain’t complaining though… that sly devil.
27. Terminator pussy. One of Skynet’s first models. The clitoris has a formidable exoskeleton that will swallow up your dick if you don’t disable the chip first.
28. Turkey pussy. Wings, giblet, caruncle, wattle—you got it all here. Starter package comes with special handling instructions and food for the first month.
29. Department store pussy. It looked great when you tried it on in the fitting room, but at home it looks a little off. Maybe it’s one size too small?
30. Morbidly obese pussy. When this pussy gets sick you need to need to call the special ambulance with the human crane. All hands on deck!
People say, “I’m going to sleep now,” as if it were nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity. “For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.” If you didn’t know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you’d seen. “They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be okay? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the ‘mind adventures’ got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren’t unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.” So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, “The creature is regenerating itself.
“
| — | George Carlin (via meggannn) |
